Family issues

Families are now often shaped by divorce, isolation from other generations of the family and include step-parents, step-children and step-siblings. All of the these mean that many of us now live in blended families with unrelated individuals with different belief systems and who have been shaped by different experiences and family rules.

Children and teenagers also have significantly more freedom than previous generations and whilst freedom and choice can be positive, both come with responsibility – something parents can find hard to instil in children at times.

What has not changed is that it is in our families where we develop and establish a relationship to ourselves and others. Families can either be nurturing safe places where we learn about exploration, respect and boundaries, all the way through to abusive toxic environments where self-expression and boundaries are non-existent. And statistically over half of us grow up in families and with relationships to our primary caregivers where we do feel safe, secure and wholly loved.

Through working through how your family of origin has affected you and bringing into awareness the unspoken rules that were taught and passed down in your own family of origin, you can start to make more conscious choices about what may be being repeated in the here-and-now of your own family.

If, when growing up, our family felt like a restrictive and painful environment rather than a cohesive and connected environment, then we may find ourselves re-triggered either at the thought or prospect of starting our own family or at finding ourselves back in a family environment, albeit one we seem to have consciously chosen. All this in turn can lead to heightened feelings of anxiety, anger, guilt, depression and confusion.

In essence, being in a couple or family creates both the perfect storm for resurrecting unprocessed grief, sadness and trauma, as well as the perfect environment to work through our past and stop the transmission of multi-generational trauma.

There are also two gender-specific issues that come up often, which warrant attention under the topic of family issues:

The ‘perfect mother’ trap

Being a mother is probably the hardest job on the planet. And, unlike any other job, it is not one that you can resign from.

Modern life has made being a mother significantly tougher. Mums are now expected (and expect themselves) to be expert jugglers, somehow holding down a career, being a mum, being a partner and having some semblance of a life, all at the same time!

Mothers have always been under enormous pressure to both be perfect and to ‘love the job’. However, there is no such thing as a perfect mother, meaning most feel some guilt in relation to their performance, their child’s expectations and the expectations of their family and society as a whole. All of this can create a highly pressurised environment where mothers can feel unable to express their feelings to their partner or other mothers as a result of shame. It is therefore unsurprising that post-partum depression is on the rise.

Whilst counselling or psychotherapy cannot eradicate the very real challenges presented by becoming or being a mother, it can help you work out whose expectations you are carrying and whether these actually are a true reflection of what being a mother means for you. The process can also provide you with some space – thinking and breathing – to start to feel empowered enough to define how best you can be a mother. Happy and secure babies, children and infants are a direct product of mums who feel they are expressing their version of being a mother as a true reflection of who they are as women.

The role of men

Men are in crisis. They have lost much of their identity and it is causing huge emotional psychological and relational difficulties.

Much like for women, traditional gender roles have been eroded and this has brought with it much more equality in status between men and women which is a quantum leap from a social perspective. However, equality in status does not and should not imply that men and women are built the same and have the same primal, evolutionary and existential needs.

Where is the evidence for this crisis? Suicide is now the leading cause of death amongst males between twenty and thirty-four years of age; male suicide rates that in 1981 made up 63% of all such deaths, now account for 78% across the UK; and whilst female suicide rates have halved since 1981, male rates have increased.

The reasons for these grim statistics are multi-fold and certainly not solely due to social changes and developments around equality. Culture plays a strong role too whereby evidence suggests that men, and particularly those from British backgrounds, or culturally influenced by Britain, such as Australia, can find coming to talk to someone about their problems tantamount to betrayal of their gender. Men in the UK are still culturally expected to ‘suck it up’, get on with it, provide for the family and not have feelings. As a result, men will often hit absolute rock bottom before reaching out for support.

Entering a period of therapy to work out how you can be a man in the world and in integrity with yourself, can be a life-changing experience and in some cases, life saving.

Gay or lesbian parents

Not so many years ago, starting a family was considered outside the usual expectations of gay people. This has changed dramatically now and many lesbians and gay men these days expect to and do become parents.

The decision to start a family as someone gay or in a same-sex relationship has its own particular complications, some in place of, and some in addition to, those of the straight population (some of which are outlined in the sections above). There are four main ways in which gay people start a family; donor insemination, surrogacy, co-parenting and adoption. Each of these pathways will involve particular decisions and implications.

Same-sex couples are unable to make a biological baby through sex together and this raises practical questions as well as, for some, a sense of loss and sadness which may need to be worked through. The absence of procreative sex also means lesbians and gay men are placed in a position where they have to make a deliberate and conscious decision to start a family. The space this creates for consideration can be a positive thing, and gay parents can be particularly well prepared by the time children arrive. However for some, the lack of spontaneity and the emphasis on deliberation can become inhibiting and lead to over-thinking, causing indecision and paralysis.

The models of families and parenting that gay and same-sex parents draw on, like the rest of the population, are often from their own family of origin, as well as social information, networks and trends. However, gay parent families are still a relatively new and minority social phenomenon and this can lead to a sense of being outside established family models. This can be liberating but can also leave some people feeling isolated, misunderstood and unsupported.

Gay parents also have to manage social attitudes. While these have changed positively in this country there may still be, in some parts of the population, direct hostility about gay people having children. Some gay people may also need help to challenge their own negative feelings about their suitability for parenthood which might well arise from internalised homophobia. Homophobic bullying in schools might also give cause for some concern for gay parents, and sometimes schools need to be worked with to counter prejudice being directed towards their children.

Becoming a parent for everyone will throw up past experiences of being parented and part of a family. Psychotherapy or counselling can help explore what being a parent means to the individual, how it might relate to historic experiences of family and, in the case of lesbians and gay men, how this might interplay with the particular challenges and implications of being a gay parent.

What is family therapy?

Family therapy is a talking therapy that focuses on improving the relationships within a family so they can better understand and support each other. This therapy helps family members explore difficult topics and emotions in a safe environment, understand each other’s views and experiences, and appreciate each other’s needs. It can help build on strengths within the family and work together to make positive changes.

When is family therapy used?

Family therapy can be used for a range of situations. It can help support families in understanding each other’s perspectives, improving communication, and creating resilience. Here are just a few examples of times when family therapy is beneficial.

• Adjusting to major life changes like moving away, starting a new school, or coping with the impact of life-changing medical conditions.
• Addressing aging-related changes such as the emotional adjustments and complexities of family members growing older.
• Coping with loss and grief and supporting family members in processing and healing from the loss of a loved one.
• Resolving relationship conflicts such as disputes between parents and children, tension between siblings, or strained relationships.
• Help with mental or behavioural conditions for one person within the family, such as treating anorexia, ADHD, or autism.

Typical family issues

At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have helped families work through a range of issues, including:

• Relationship conflicts – common disputes between parents and children, siblings, or spouses can be resolved.
• Parenting challenges – differences in parenting styles, co-parenting after separation, or navigating parenting roles in blended families are issues we can help with during family therapy.
• Communication barriers – miscommunication or lack of openness within the family can create huge issues, family therapy can help break down these barriers.
• Behavioural or emotional issues – we can address the impact of a family member’s behavioural or mental health challenges on a family, including substance abuse, anxiety, eating disorders etc.
• Healing from trauma – we can help families recover from shared or individual traumatic experiences.

Types of family therapy

At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we use several forms of family therapy that are used depending on your family’s particular circumstances. Our therapists may also use elements from different therapeutic approaches in order to meet your needs.

 FFT

FFT (functional family therapy) is often used to help families whose children (usually aged between 10 and 17) have behavioural issues. This type of therapy assesses the family dynamics that may have contributed to the child’s behaviour and improves family communication and parenting styles to support positive reinforcement.

Marriage counselling and couples therapy

Marriage counselling and couples therapy involve you and your partner. During this therapy, we help couples determine their problems and work through them. Whether the issue lies in communication, raising children, finances, or mental health, our marriage and couples therapy can help you understand each other more and offer solutions to improve the relationship.

Strategic family therapy

Strategic family therapy is a short-term therapy commonly used with children and adolescents with behavioural issues. This type of therapy identifies patterns that make up the family environment, and works on changes to help families function better so kids can overcome their issues.

Structural family therapy

This therapy focuses on the structure of the family, for example, the boundaries, hierarchies, and relationships of family members. It focuses on interactions between family members before working on changing dynamics for positive change. During this therapy, families will discover problematic patterns and work through them guided by a therapist.

Systemic family therapy

Systemic family therapy considers the family’s issues in different roles, for example how a family member functions as a parent compared to as a partner. It also considers cultural, religious, and socio-economic factors that shape physical development and emotional well-being.

The benefits of family issues counselling

Family therapy offers huge benefits to family units, and can help bring the family back together. Here are just a few ways family therapy can help.

• Develops healthy boundaries within the family unit.
• Defines someone’s role within the family.
• Improves family dynamics and relationships.
• Addresses dysfunctional interactions among family members.
• Improves problem-solving abilities within the family.
• Improves communication among family members.
• Provides strength and coping tools that the family can use together or individually.

What to expect from your family therapy sessions

During family therapy, our qualified therapist will work with the family unit or specific members within the family to explore the relationship, understand the issues, and guide the family to better understand and communicate with each other.

First sessions

During the first session, your therapist will ask you various questions relating to your family and the dynamics. They will likely ask you about what has brought you to therapy and explain what the process will look like. This is also your opportunity to ask any questions and decide whether you feel comfortable with your therapist.

Ongoing sessions

Throughout the ongoing sessions, your therapist will work closely with you to understand your issues and guide you through your emotions. The therapist will work towards reducing distress and conflict between family members through specific techniques and types of therapies to create a more positive and functional family unit.

Our family issues therapists

At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, our team of highly qualified and experienced therapists specialises in supporting families through a range of challenges.

• Dorothea Beech, a UKCP-registered group analyst, works with families navigating mental health difficulties.
• Georgia Leake, an NVR UK-accredited practitioner, provides expert support for families facing issues such as parent-child violence and aggression.
• Shiraz El Showk, a training member of the Association for Group and Individual Psychotherapy (AGIP) and a registered UKCP training member, helps families dealing with loss, trauma, mental health challenges, and more.

Our therapists bring a wealth of expertise to guide families toward healthier relationships and improved well-being.

Why choose Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy

At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have a passion for helping people and families better understand who they are and how to work through their issues. Our team is small enough so that we can work together on a personal basis, whilst being large enough to cater to the diverse needs of our clients.

Frequently asked questions

Who is in the family therapy session? Read more

Family therapy sessions may vary depending on the types of issues we are working through. Some sessions may require the whole family unit whilst others may require a mixture of individuals.

How long does family therapy take? Read more

The length of family therapy depends on the complexity of your difficulties. Some may require just a few sessions to work through family issues whilst others may need longer or ongoing solutions. This will be discussed during your sessions.

What if someone in my family is reluctant to come? Read more

It is normal for individuals within a family to refuse or be reluctant to come to family therapy. It can feel like an overwhelming step that they aren’t comfortable with. It’s important to be understanding of their feelings, but it may be useful to request an initial meeting or consultation with a family therapist where everyone gets a chance to air their concerns and ask questions.

Can family therapy still happen if some family members don’t attend? Read more

Although it’s more beneficial for the entire family unit, or the specific individuals who are experiencing difficulties, to attend, we know this may not always be possible. Your therapist will work with whoever attends the session, as even a change in one part of the system can positively affect the bigger picture.

What are family issues?  Read more

The term family issues relates to a set of issues around being in and belonging to a family.  On an individual level this can include dealing with issues around becoming a parent such as post-partum depression, conflicting parenting styles, managing a blended family and the systemic problems this raises, addressing long-standing family conflict through to the cultural implications of what it means to be a family as gay or lesbian parents.  What all of this has in common is that family issues are often viewed systemically, meaning that each member of the family is seen as a part of a larger system with influencing power.

How do I know if we are experiencing family issues?   Read more In a sense, almost everything that brings a person to psychotherapy has its roots in the family – be that family of origin, or current conflict within a family (even if that family consists of just two people). We differentiate because it can often be helpful to view a family as a system wherein each person brings something to the system. And as with any system, change one element of it, then the system must change in some way. Therefore, even if we attend therapy alone to consider problems from a systemic perspective, if we change our behaviour, it will influence and impact the system. If you are struggling in some way to function, take your space or even make sense of what is playing out in a relationship or relationships in a family context then it may be that there are family issues that need addressing.

How can psychotherapy help with family issues?  Read more Counselling and psychotherapy can be enormously useful in assisting with family issues, not least because the therapist is not in the family and therefore will relate to you as a whole individual rather than projecting a familiar (family) role onto you.  This alone an be tremendously freeing and enable you to feel more separate from family dynamics, past or present.

Will the whole family have to attend sessions?  Read more Family issues cover a very broad spectrum, including systemic psychotherapy where all or some of the family are present. However, it may be that other family members cannot or will not attend therapy and this certainly does not mean that the issues cannot be worked through from an individual perspective. Families are systems and so if one element of the system changes in some way, the rest of the system will have to change.

What happens in a first session?  Read more The first session with one of our practitioners is an opportunity for you both to work out whether you feel able to work together. Your psychotherapist or psychologist will likely ask you various questions relating to what has brought you and explain the process of therapy to you. The first session is a two-way process where you have the opportunity to ask questions and to decide whether you feel ‘safe enough’ working with your therapist.

How do I find a psychotherapist of psychologist I want to work with?  Read more At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two physical practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs.

How long will it take for me to see a psychologist or psychotherapist  Read more

We aim to respond to all enquiries within twenty-four hours.  You may either contact one of our practitioners directly via their profile page, or you can contact us directly and we will assist you in finding the right person to see as soon as possible. If the practitioner you wish to see has space then an appointment can usually be arranged within a week and sometimes much sooner.

How can I get in touch with you?  Read moreYou can contact our practitioners directly via the contact forms on their profile pages. They will then reply to you directly.

What age groups of clients do you work with?  Read moreWe have psychotherapists and psychologists trained to work with every age group from infants through to adults.

Do you offer evening and/or weekend sessions?  Read moreWe offer sessions every day of the week including on Saturdays and sessions are available into the evening.

What are your fees?  Read moreOur fees are set by each practitioner depending on the type of therapy.  For individual psychotherapy or clinical psychology our fees range from £60 – £90 per session. For couple therapy our fees range from £70 – £100 per session.

Is there parking near your Hove and Lewes practices?  Read moreBoth our Hove and Lewes practices are centrally located close to train stations, bus routes and with on-street parking.

Click here to download our document on Family Therapy.

At Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy, we have two physical practices, one in Hove and one in Lewes, where we offer a full range of psychological therapies. On our website, you can view each profile of our associates and contact them directly using the form on their profile page. You can also use our handy search function to find the right practitioner for your needs.

If you are considering online therapy, take a look at our online therapy services.


All the content on this page has been reviewed and vetted by Sam Jahara Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist, Supervisor and Co-Founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy. For any questions or more information about the subjects discussed on this page please contact us.