Therapy for divorce or separation
Psychotherapy to separate or divorce has as its aim the objective of helping you and your partner end your relationship in the most compassionate and functional way possible for all concerned.
When couples think about coming to psychotherapy or counselling together, it is either to work through issues in a relationship, or to work out whether the relationship can continue. Therefore, what is the purpose of entering into a process of therapy when the decision has been made to end a relationship?
How is therapy to divorce or separate different to marriage counselling?
The fundamental premise of marriage counselling is to work with a couple towards establishing whether the relationship can continue or not – what do both parties want? From there, specific tasks are identified which the psychotherapist and couple hold together and work towards. Clearly therefore, there is cross-over between the two approaches and it is possible that couples therapy becomes therapy to help the couple separate and divorce, however, therapy to divorce or separate takes the premise that the couple are going to part ways and focuses on facilitating this process.
How can therapy to separate or divorce help us?
For a couple contemplating either separating or divorcing, the pressures from multiple angles can be enormous and can, in turn, lead to further conflict and friction between the couple.
Separation or divorce has an enormous emotional impact on the couple as well as directly on their children and indirectly on family and friends. It introduces upheaval across the board with changes not only in living arrangements, but also in lifestyle for all concerned (including children).
Often when couples decide to separate or divorce, they are not ‘on the same page’. For example the decision to split may be instigated by only one member of the couple, or, if mutually agreed, each member of the couple will be undergoing their own process of coming to terms with the inherent loss of the relationship.
Therapy for divorce or separation is focused on working with you both to navigate this complex process with specific goals in mind, For example you may wish to work with a skilled therapist to:
- work through and process the loss of the relationship
- agree clear boundaries together as you move from being a couple towards separation
- work on how you will co-parent together
Therapy for divorce or separation is not a mediation process and should not be used to agree financial settlements.
Co-parenting
When a couple have children, the process of divorce or separation can be particularly painful and complex. As a rule, no child wants their parents to split up and research has shown that the effects of a ‘bad’ or acrimonious divorce between two parents can be more damaging and traumatic than a child losing their parent through death. Why is this? When a child experiences the acrimonious divorce of their parents they will often feel confused and ‘pulled’ between the two parents, potentially even having to take sides. Where the parents remain unable to settle their differences and move on, the child or children will feel unable to express their grief at the end of the parental unit and their love for each parent. With bereavement, as difficult as the loss of a parent most likely is for a child, the grieving process is often facilitated by the remaining surviving parent.
When couples with children decide to divorce the fantasy may be that they will be ‘rid’ of each other. This is fundamentally incorrect and in order to be effective parents, both parties must be willing to settle their differences so that they can continue to be present and containing parents for their children. Remember, divorce is hard for children but it is not necessarily traumatic – it depends on HOW the child’s parents bring an end to their relationship that is key.
Endings are not always a bad thing
Whilst leaving a serious relationship of marriage or de facto marriage is not something to take lightly, choosing to remain in the status quo is not always healthy or helpful. Where children are involved, both parents are responsible for ensuring that the difficult transition from a ‘nuclear family’ to a different model is managed with a focus on stability and consideration for the children. Divorce can be extremely stressful, painful and can contribute to children’s mental health problems if acrimonious and mismanaged. Children need parents who support, protect and allow them to have their feelings, and this remains the case whether the couple are together or not.
Managed well, whilst painful, a couple can move on from separation and/or divorce. They can mourn the loss of the relationship and both hold onto the aspects of the relationship that were meaningful.
What happens during therapy for divorce or separation?
Starting therapy can seem overwhelming and may leave you questioning what to expect from your first session and what will be expected of you. While each clinician has their own unique styles and approach, there are some things that are constant that you can count on.
The first meeting
Before your first meeting, you will be given details on the location and time of the session. Although you may have feelings of anxiety, you may also feel a sense of relief. This first meeting is for the purpose of determining whether you and your therapist are a good fit for each other. This is the time to ask any questions you have and work out if you feel comfortable and safe enough to work with them. This is also a time to recognise that at times, divorce and separation therapy may be challenging, but your therapist is there to be your ally through this journey. It’s important to take your time to reflect on the session and make the decision of whether you want to continue with your therapist. This is a big decision that you want to approach mindfully.
Confidentiality in therapy
In principle, everything you disclose to your therapist is confidential, meaning it stays between you and them. However, there are rare instances in which the confidentiality may be broken, such as situations where you may be at risk to yourself or others. This is something that will be discussed with you if the topic arises.
The frame
In the world of counselling and psychotherapy, the frame refers to the physical and contractual boundaries that make therapy possible. Although each therapist has their own variation of the frame, it is there to protect you and the therapy. The frame covers elements such as where you meet, confidentiality, fees, and how your therapist interacts with you.
Starting therapy means starting a special relationship with your therapist, and the frame creates boundaries for a safe space.
Ongoing sessions
Most people who come to therapy to specifically work on issues around divorce and separation come for an agreed number of sessions. Divorce and separation therapy offers a safe and confidential space to explore your mind and make changes to your life. If you’re considering therapy, make sure to take your time, ask questions and reflect on how you feel.
Is therapy for divorce or separation right for us?
If you have made the decision that you are going to separate or divorce, then it could be beneficial on every level to work with a skilled psychotherapist in order to work collaboratively to facilitate this process as smoothly as possible. Where children are involved, parting ways constructively is essential.
Psychotherapy to separate or divorce is offered by Dorothea Beech, Gerry Gilmartin and Mark Vahrmeyer,
If you are unsure of the type of therapy you need, you can search for a therapist here.
